GET TOO FUCKING DRUNK, AND YOU CAN END UP LIKE THIS, NO MYTH WHATSOVER
Like to get drunk? I think we all do a little bit, obviously some more than others. In fact, for some it’s a religion, something they look forward too more than life itself, but what makes me laugh is that some of them justify what they do because they believe a few of these really pathetic myths about drinking and how it can be beneficial. The fact is, there is nothing “beneficial” about getting drunk besides the feeling of being drunk. Here are some of those stupid myths people believe.
TOO DRUNK? THAT’S OK YOU CAN JUST PUKE IT OUT!
It seems pretty straightforward: you realize that you had too much three shots and four cans ago, you have enough sense to know you’ve got a stomach full of hot garbage so you spend some time kneeling and puking in a toilet while reconsidering your life choices, and then you feel better. Clearly you’ve gotten rid of all that demon rum inside you, so problem solved, right? Not really. Alcohol starts entering your bloodstream as soon as it hits the stomach, so while you might feel a bit more clear-headed after you’ve barfed yourself inside-out, you’re still drunk as hell, the alcohol has absorbed into your system, you’re still fucked up buddy,
BEER HELPS YOU COOL DOWN AFTER A WORKOUT
That is some wishful thinking if I have ever heard some. A dubious study from 2007 is still being passed around as “proof” that a pint of beer is as good as or better than a pint of water for rehydrating after exercise, based mainly on how the body needs the vitamins and carbohydrates beer provides, and that carbonated liquid is more effective at quenching thirst. While the “fizzy drinks make you less thirsty” claim is shaky at best, the idea that beer can replace useful nutrients better than an average sports drink is straight-up crazy. Even the cheapest generic Sports-Ade has fewer calories than the lightest of light beers, and given that beer is a diuretic (science-talk for “it makes you pee”), the hydration benefits are, like so many good things about beer, only a rental.
ENERGY-INFUSED DRINKS GET YOU DRUNKER
Not exactly, but here’s why some may think other wise…the stimulants in energy drinks counteract the natural sedative action of alcohol. The sleepy feeling you get after a few rounds is a cue for most people to slow down their drinking, but energy drinks allow you to ignore that signal and keep pounding them down. In reality you’re getting just as drunk as you would if you were drinking regular alcohol, unfortunately you aren’t as likely to notice that fact until you’ve have so much that you vomit on a cop or your landlord as he’s handing you an eviction notice for excessive noise.
FOOD KILLS HANGOVERS
It’s true that a big meal before heavy drinking will help keep you from becoming as drunk as you might otherwise get, because a full stomach will slow down the absorption of alcohol. Also, people with higher overall body fat can generally drink more than others before feeling drunk. However, if you’ve come back from an evening of jello shots and Rumple Mintz and you’re hoping that scarfing down $21.67 worth of Taco Bell will soak up all that liquid courage you’ve consumed, you’re out of luck. As stated above, most of the alcohol you’ve drank has already been absorbed into your system, and piling a bunch of food on top of that is probably just going to make it worse.
Face it-if you’re drunk, you’re drunk. The alcohol is in your system and it’s up to your poor overworked liver to process it, get rid of it, and get you back to being a functional human being. Cold showers or black coffee will make you feel like you’re sober, but only in the same way that energy drinks prevent you from realizing that you’re drunk. No matter how alert you think you are, you’re still dealing with all the physical effects of too much alcohol. If you’re still tipsy after a night’s sleep, don’t endanger yourself or others by trying to do anything you need to be clear-headed to do properly. Give yourself the time to sober up properly, the fact is, we’ll see a cure for AIDS before we see a cure for hangovers, it’s that simple. -EE